i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
