Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
