So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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