The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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