I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
