I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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