it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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