so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
