she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
