i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
