had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
