I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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