I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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