all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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