god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it was like eating out sand paper
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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