the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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