Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
