her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
