He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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