let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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