i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ladies don't puke and tell
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
