nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When are your genitals available?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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