i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
