I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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