I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
