i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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