I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
