When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
