So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
