I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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