I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
