good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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