remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My brain says no but my pants say off.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
