none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
