I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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