Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My underwear smells like fireworks.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
