apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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