im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize