so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
