She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
