Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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