Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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