took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
