I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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