Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
