I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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