I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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