I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
