If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Drake has all the answers
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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