we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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