her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So many bounce houses so little time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
