Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
