I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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