My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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