Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
