Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
