He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
