she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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