I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
