Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
