I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She needs sedatives and a leash
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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