just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
