We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
